A husband's job is to protect his wife and be good to her. Q. First of all I don't speak ill of my MIL and never have. Given the husbands contribution, it also sounds as if a malicious family dynamic is at play here: Martyr mom does everything for us, and in exchange she earns our contempt. it sounds like you may have found common ground. That's awesome. I'm glad to hear that he "fessed up" to the things he was doing. That gives him th Mean Girls: My cousin and I are both in our 40s and grew up together. I wonder, too, if youve been able to step back and ask yourself why his platonic texts (that you have seen and say arent sexual) feel so upsetting or threatening to you (perhaps you wish you shared this easy rapport with him, too?). Here are two different ways to look at your situation: 1) Your husband is a no-good liar and you should leave him. I dont want to be an object of pity. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Q. The Content on this Site is presented in a summary fashion, and is intended to be used for educational and entertainment purposes only. His daughter is 18 and treats my husband like crap and we all know it's due to what his ex says and does. He knew I was mad because normally i would keep on (I know bad habit). Thank you! They will be mortified when they become adults and look back at this. If he cant see your point of view, a few sessions with a therapist to help you two hash out these in-law issues would be a good investment. :<))I did refer to the word "slam" in my initial post because I didn't want you to think I was trying to be too harsh with you. We have been seeing a marriage counselor regarding this and other issues. Photo illustration by Slate. Sure. I am rarely tempted to take a drink; remembering my behavior in the past and how physically ill drinking made me is enough of a deterrent to keep me from wanting to drink. But were both doing okay. If people ask follow-ups and you dont want to answer, a simple, Its a painful subject to talk about. A: Your answer is contained in your question. Even pointing something out sets him off. I completely understand preserving relationships for the sake of children. We are much happier for it too. I don't like his ex either but I'm still cordial out of respect for my step-daughter. I am considering separating from him if his behavior doesnt stop. First it was the older one, and now her younger sister is doing the same. We explore your options. My Husband Never Defends Me or Takes Up For Me. Why? What to do when your husband is too attached to his family and considers it his responsibility to fulfill their needs and desires? Thanks, everyone! Tell your husband to ask his parents to choose one destination and the second holiday destination will be your choice. I found out about the affair only two days after her funeral. with Women Other Than Your Wife And then post marriage, you wonder why your husband chooses his family, again and again,hurting you in the process. It may be that the teenagers dont want to hear this message now. A sister who when he was living with her had kicked him out for no reason, no notice because her husband at the time said so. During this same time period, he used to stop by my place of work to complain about my sisters lack of interest in sex and describe in detail her disinterest. Nevertheless, he wakes up, at a minimum of one night a week, screaming, thrashing, and terrified. Do not build resentment over this. A: I think its pretty well known that you are not supposed to give animals as presents. Send me updates about Slate special offers. Besides having a family holiday does not mean having the elderly with you all the time. Since it has been quite some time since I went through these rituals, I expected them to change. So, when the signs your husband puts his family first are staring you in the face, dont lose heart. Related Reading: 5 reasons why the Indian family is killing the Indian marriage. How do you keep things safer between the sheets? Feb 26, 20137:15 AM. If you are living with the in-laws you cannot really restrict relative visits because the elderly people are usually free to entertain guests. Before the baby comes, you and your husband need to get on the same page as far as dealing with his family is concerned. This is a reality in many homes in India and wives are expected to entertain relatives because the husband is choosing his family over his wife. I don't expect her to be mean or rude but she doesn't have to go out of her way with the hugs, kisses and I love yous to the ex-wife( she has been the ex-wife for 19 years). We live a good distance away, but every few months, my work takes me near her house and Ill visit and stay overnight. No one deserves to put up with his behavior. Both my husband and I have agreed that if we dont have another child in the next two years or so, were probably not going to try for one after that point. Theres a difference in a relationship between privacy (space that everyone needs in healthy relationships) and secrecy (which tends to be corrosive). This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. But if you are being railroaded into doing things you dont want to do, then you say no and decline the money. The first time my ex struck me leaving welts on my arm and chest which made it hard to carry the backpack I used as a part-time seminary student I weighed about 100 pounds to his almost 180. When I offered to go to the hospital to be with her, she made a disgusted noise and said, Like you care. No, I dont care about him. My husband of 29 years spends more time with his sister and her family than he does with me and our children. You know best. As his wife, you could have been devastated by this decision but your husband chooses his family over you and tells you, looking after his family is his duty and you have to accept that since you are married to him. That means she sets the family tone, which only encourages her worst qualities. Someone has to win here, and it should be the people who arent awful. I know my friend is still grieving and just wants to help her dad, so how can I gently explain to her and her sister that dogs arent good gifts and this is a terrible idea? We suggest that you learn to pick your battles. When Your Husband Defends Another Woman - 6 Things To Do He lies and tells me they no longer text, until he gets caught red-handed again. Anyhow, he got upset with me when I had nothing to do with it. My husband Related Reading: 5 ways to deal with your husbands parents. Couple relationshipsthe pains and pleasures, the anxieties and comforts, the craziness and calm. You should begin, by understanding that this is NOT about the sisters of your husband. If he heads for his parents room after office, you tell him thats just fine but he has to ensure after that when he is with you the door of your room is closed and you have your own space. At this point, I am tired of being treated like a heartless person because I do my best to stay away from him. Dont taunt him for being a mamas boy. Thanks for your feedback. A: Its good to hear from someone who has lived this ugly dynamic, and was able to change it. She can do all that with her granddaughter but with the ex she claims to hate and who has caused so many problems? Realize he is their child first and he lived with them much longer than he lived with you. Constructive criticism. that is what Londres's post is and I think she may have hit it right on the head. But what to do if your mother-in-law tags along everywhere? My He was annoyed and I agreed with him. Try to take positive steps through communication and creating boundaries and not keep resenting the fact that he is choosing his family over you. A husband who, in a situation of conflict, sides against his wife may be hiding deep-seated resentment toward her. But what my suggestion might do is help you see another way to move through this impasse and understand it better before you make any decisions about your marriage. To everyone - Londers,Brice,Tinnkker and especially you Specialmom, thanks for your advice. But not before you give your mental health the attention it deserves. 5 ways in which marriage turned out the opposite of what I imagined, 7 Tips For Men Who Are Stuck Between Wife And Mother In A Joint Family, 12 Ways to Deal With a Jealous Mother-In-Law. A: If youre in the middle of finding the best treatment for your bipolar disorder, the last thing you need is a relationship that makes you feel insecure and stressed. Thanks for signing up! I know teenagers can be trying, but this behavior seems off the charts compared to other kids Ive known. They are still texting everyday and I feel like a third wheel to whatever this friendship is. This is the second letter Ive gotten about the amazing development of the awful gender-reveal party. As a wife, you have to realize when your husband chooses his family he is actually making a tightrope walk and succumbing to a lot of pressure. Hes lying about it, too. His mother went overboard with affection to the person she claims to hate. Great company and great staff. I think they really do know how disfunctional the family is deep down but like with anything else they are protective and defensive. Spend as much time with your own parents or visit cousins as much as he does. The issue isn't about the ex, that was an example of what happened recently. Send questions for publication here. Dear Therapist: My Husband Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page. Or does he rush to help his little sister with every little crisis she may have, leaving you grappling with the feeling my husband always chooses his sister over me. Theres only one issue: Hes poly and Im not. Re: Celebration Overload: Its not always the bride who wants this huge lavish event. I hope you and your husband can start standing up for yourselves now, before you come to the conclusion that raising your children is really about what the grandparents want. Hopefully, the LW can have an impact now, so these girls will not have a lot of regret later in life. Do I need to give him time to mourn the loss of his mistress? Your husband could be a mamas boy or he could be having a strong bond with his mother but that does not mean you will resent it and keep on cribbing that your husband chooses his family over you. First he needs to check in with his internist and explain whats going on. Instead of resenting this, feel happy that your husband feels for his mother and wants to give her the best. But thats a simplistic reaction to an issue Im sure is multi-layered. I really do understand. Break up for now, before your dissatisfaction with this arrangement causes a huge conflict, and tell yourself that if its meant to be, you can always get back together in the future. This brings me to your comment about if I have considered that maybe my MIL doesn't want problems, of course I have considered it and that is why I said I don't expect her to be rude or mean. A: If more people were like you, the housing crash might have been a lot less disastrous. I am appalled by this developing dynamic. These are: 1. Q. Celebration Overload: I have three sons in their late 20s and early 30s. My Partner Doesnt Defend Me. What Now? - Bustle This is a reality many married women face in India. So if he has money to buy one Kanjeevaram saree, he will buy it for his mother. Sometimes theres no ideal time to have a child, but its the right thing to do anyway. If you know this occurs.simply say nothing. But definitely, it is also a given that you would support each other in looking after your respective families. That is the reason you got married. Im with you that its incredibly rude that you werent included in the invitation to your SILs 40th birthday party. He knew, he knows. My Sisters Husband Wants Me As His Revenge Against Her And your husband ends up giving more importance to that because that is what he has been used to seeing in his family. You can work on a budget accordingly and make a list of the activities you would want to do. Small gestures of love do not imply that your husband chose his mom over you. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. We married when I was 31 and my wife was 29. Dear Abby: My husband is weirdly close to his sister - The Mercury I do not understand what You see as an issue here. Or is he trying to get back at you for feeling like you don't care for his parents (not saying you don't care for them but he may perceive it that way)? By Emily Yoffe. Id say you should express concern not just for the animal (which is the obvious issue) but also about how traumatizing it will be for him if the dog is too much to handle, wont let him rest, or has to be rehomed if it doesnt work out. Be kind and polite, but firm. He is naturally protective My husband never stands up for me. Many men Our parents were mostly living paycheck to paycheck. It's supposed to say "Despite it does bother me how my MIL has been acting with my husband ex after what she is done, I'm mad about how my husband react when I say anything even if it's when I'm siding with hi. I have kept this secret for more than 20 years. I announced my pregnancy to both families at 20 weeks. I don't even care if they were friends. Its as if he has PTSD. A: Im always going to vote for prioritizing the innocent nonracists over the racist. The first thing out of his mouth was he wasn't jealous of his friends. My He has even argued with me and threatened to leave me over a disagreement about his sister! And when I am ready, how do I tell my co-workers and clients? You are the only one who understood what I was trying to say. Of course there are consequences to peoples behavior, but there are also consequences to creating an environment where it cant come to light. Never disrespect your wife by talking negatively about her to another woman. does that make sense? I can't say anything or else he gets defensive. Is this just the trend of celebrations now and I should go along with it? I asked him you are a mamas boy. But the thought of going through this number of events for two more kids is exhausting. When his mom calls to talk with him he says mom i am married now i have a wife. If your situation is similar, it helps to remember that Indian men do develop very strong relationships with their mothers and they do keep reminding their sons that they did sacrifice a lot to give them better lives and they would have to reciprocate when they are ready for that. Take the example of Meenu and Rajesh, who are both well in their 50s and have been married for more than two decades. Whos right? What do you suggest? We are currently living together and are starting to get our careers going. When Your Partner Takes Your MIL's Side | Alpha Mom You say that youre in marriage counseling for other issues, so I wonder about your husbands relationship with his colleague not so much in terms of betrayalas you dobut in terms of what it reveals about the dynamics in your marriage. Set the boundary early and often that a prerequisite to being included in family events is a zero-tolerance policy for racism. As I previously asked, whats next, the baby-making party? But this is a private matter between you and your husband. That gives him the space to work on those issues. Because they are new to the household, women rely on their husband for protection.