I just wonder what percentage of the male population is like this? She is also a functioning alcoholic and has had an affair. Frequently they resort to name calling and belittling to assert dominance over the other person. This method of dealing with it is the only one that has any positive results. When I said your kids learn this bad behavior either to be a codependant or narcissist I see my own children my daughter being unable to keep boundaries and stand up for herself and what she wont accept. I feel it is within my rights to decide that it might be better to live apart so he cant constantly rely on me to make sure there is food in the house and such. Or there may be situations where there is nothing to say you simply need to stop protecting them. I realised my husband is always trying to prove what a good guy he is to everyone. I was shocked. I think its a positive sign that yours hasnt latched onto someone else. I have not heard anyone talk about sex on this website. Further if you carry on like a Narc whilst being oblivious to the fact that its you who is actually dragging everyone down..i promptly fire you! But when I wasnt getting what he said he got totally and completely frustrated with me, said he didnt have time for this crap in his day so I offered to call her back and handle it and he refused said he would call. How Do You Hold A Narcissist Accountable? That might not sound like much to some people for us we were lucky to go 5 days without something happening. Giving him boundaries didnt help him and made him feel more alone. You should also make it clear in this report that you fear this may be a symptom of the medication he has been prescribed. I worked with a woman who had NPD. Saying he never wanted it to begin with! Im doing my best to deal with everything. The best thing you can do is work on your own codependence. 6 Cut off all contact with them if you can. This makes me feel degraded. After a while and much anger being vented by both sides we tried to work on it and I immediately thought I had reacted badly and apologized for my slighted messages. It has been a while since i wrote last. That being said, we do know that narcissism is a behavior that can be reinforced or discouraged by the environment. 23.9K subscribers Subscribe 10 Share 80 views 1. She calls him for everything, and hes always going to her house and hanging out with her. [6 Tactics] Narcissist's Lack of Accountability in Relationships Now because I am moving across the country, I am being blamed for him losing the house. Holding accountable? He isolates me from his friends because he knows that I see his other self emerge in front of them, and he does not want me to call him out on it (I have done so before, with terrible consequences). When he gets mad about you making the police report you need to be ready to say calmly that he did thousands of dollars damage to your car and so of course you needed to report it to make an insurance claim. Belli. He moved in with me after 2 weeks dating. to lie to me, break your promises and treat me badly for asking you to keep your promise. Hed rather throw love away (or so it seems) than keep it together by being honest, and being kind. He knows we will have seperate accounts from this point forward, but I dont think he really believes it. I could snap once that is say one sentence cos I was really upset about something and he would use it as an excuse to storm off, knowing full well that i say my piece and then carry on with my life. But I cannot pretend things r ok when I am not seeing them ok. and after everything they do we still crying for them?- there must be some personality traits that mirror ours. Hi Lady Jane, you may want that sure but selfish people arent prone to listening! He is now getting these fixes by yet another activity. In my marriage, I only said something when I was pushed to the wall and was accused of being the one at fault because he was perfectly happy in the marriage. Unfortunately, I didnt have the help you now offer. You can also be ready to say to him that he should also know if he breaks into your house again or damages anything you own you will be reporting that immediately. As you have seen it turns into a trial and everyone gets their defences up. Understanding who I am will get me through the day . Hold yourself accountable. I had an affair a year ago, I told him, and it is over. Kim is the author of seven books on the topic of relationships and emotional intelligence. These people arent logical. . I started planning that when we meet for anything it would be in a public place. I have just learned in the past few months about these disorders. Do you have availability to a womens shelter or crisis hot line? They may act and feel grandiose and. Do Narcissists Like To Be Held Accountable? What happens when a narcissist is held accountable? - Quora I found that out the hard way after yrs 13 1 Sponsored by TruthFinder Have you ever googled yourself? One new study showed that narcissists can significantly damage workplace team performance. I have two kids by her.. Everything is my fault.. Idk if the meds are real or not.. She dont take responsibility, or account. "Knowing that a trap exists is the first step in avoiding it." Trauma bonds are a trap that children form that can hold them back from living healthy lives as adults. Kim has also said this. She tells me the affair is over (actually, she insists it never happened most of the time; though I have evidence to the contrary) and she is still working for the guy she had the affair with. Seems like nearly everything he says to me is about him. MARIE, Hi Kim, Thanks Kim I understand you dont have alot of info to work with. i am not supply anymore. The following are common areas clients struggle with regarding personal accountability: Stay in control of your emotions. Dear Michelle, (Comment 48) I got out. She is ignoring any opinions I have on any subject and basically shut me out of her life again. This woman was a serial liar who could turn on the tears at will and present herself as a very convincing victim. Otherwise be kind to yourself by forgiving them, but make sure you are prepared with better scripts next time. I fled after just 8 months of marriage. Do what you can do and stop worrying about the rest, above all stop blaming yourself ! Yes, he blamed me for ruining our relationship. Ive told him a ton of times, it takes two and there I go again pointing out the hurtful things he did. She and I wound up as live ins with no sex several times but I was no more to her than a paycheck and servant to do all the things in he house she didnt want to do. He decided to stay with me, but know the affair is just another tool for him to use to punish me. I had broken up with my ex (daughters father) 3 years ago in London. he of course was perfect and still is. Being married to this kind of person has got to be the most tiring thing in the world. This is a good thought-provoking article, and the discussions following it are even more interesting. The man could argue a ridiculous point. I have only learned that I must accept being crucified, and still have the opportunity to live forward. 1 Be unpredictable. 5. We later talked about it and agreed that he would ask for a time out if he felt uncomfortable in an argument with me, so he would have time to let the anger out by running a view blocks for example. I then drove 11 hrs to see you, and while there you had your car the entire time and I found out that your brother wasnt even working. She did not present any evidence but seems to have scared the wits out of my male bosses as she implied shed make a sexual harassment claim against them if they did nt follow suit. #43 Dear Tanya, If money is borrowed I have to ask him to please find a way to make his own money through employment. . Over all control of the money. And of course its all my fault! Welcome my channel! Says I am a know it all and have too many opinions.He does revenge for things I didnt try to do. That was my on feeling of insecurity. So yesterday I brought Monica a new cheque, wrote my phone number on the envelope, told her from now on she is to call me that he is busy at work to take such calls. I had to get over my embarrassment of ever tolerating or choosing this deranged fool for a partner, how ridiculous. Are they likely to rape you again? Thanks for writing MJ and congratulations on your new found courage and strength! Force them to listen with strong eye contact, confident posture, and an even, firm tone. Let go and let God I say! He did say it would get worse as I started to set boundaries etc., he WASNT kidding. Talking down to people is rarely persuasive no matter how superior you feel your position to be. 8 Things That Can Trap You in a Relationship With a Narcissist - Insider I just wanted have a lil peace so I couldnt go up against him and hold him accountable to much. It will serve as a reminder that you too are in control of things. 6 Walk away while they're talking. Kim reading over all the others complaints only reinforces these type of people do the same thing over and over. Well see how long that will last. And i said to him (with tears but very cool): Do not ever do that again. 1) During your deployments R&R, as I was in the process giving up my job, selling my home, pack, finding a rental home in a new state that I didnt know a soul in. Please tell us, how are things going for you and your children? I believe he is verbally and emotionally abusive. He feels no guult and does dent his bisexual lifesyle. Everybody want so know her. The consequences of his actions in this situation are hard to tell. I have returned to college studying the medical field, I am on the honour role which opens my eyes to the fact that I am not dumb and stupid like he drummed into my head for so many years. Sorry to hear Joan. I dont see any additional archives. So, I finally left him in December. And I am practicing to manage my own defence. how do I get over the pride and resentment I have? I thank you Kim for all of your words and information. I appreciate your indepth understanding, and drive to help others. Read them all cover to cover first, and then start following the steps and doing the exercises. Which I did. You say your marriage cannot be annulled and your husband doesnt qualify for Divorce. There is something in all of the above in my husband.Actually lots! But Id love to hear him say he wanted to work on it again. Kim & Steve, thank you for sharing your wisdom. Not sure if hes a narcissist but one thing I do know is he is super nice to everyone else unless they piss him off or what he perceives to be an attack on him from someone usually family/me and he lets strangers/co-workers walk all over him. This is called domestic violence. Maybe if i had not had all the losses and children and could have spent my life concentrating on working on him there could have been hope but i think it is unlikely. 3. Who should be the person who deals out his consequences? He does have a unique bond with children in that they adore him, and I wonder if there are other partners of narcissist that have witnessed similiar bonds with children? Narcissism, Personal Accountability, & Social Justice - Medium Required fields are marked *. It is ironic but the more you tell these people you care and are concerned about him the more likely they will be to side with you. here to come and talk to you when you get angry. The reverse discard is when you subtly push the narcissistic individual to discard you first so that there is a reduced chance of narcissistic rage or retaliation since they feel they have "won" the break-up. If my friend thought he didnt need me, he would be gone as fast I could get my next breath out. What i do is speak to the child in him at that point. As of last night (all through text because he wont communicate these days any other way), I said I cant drag my daughter through this anymore. He is a deeply insecure person when it comes to intimacy. And michelle I know just where you are coming from as well. She calls every email I send her Diatribes which tells me 1) she doesnt give a good rats ass about my feelings or opinions 2) dismisses my opinion yet expects me to hear her out every time!If I told you everything about our relationship I would write a 10 volume encyclopedia! They devalue you and criticize everything you do. Its all straight from the heart and tells it like it really is. I dont know enough about your situation to give you much more advice but you can keep things on course if you do not allow yourself to be persuaded to trust him. 10 Ways A Narcissist Reacts When You Try To Hold Them Accountable. Yet, I still call his answering machine and leave a message or two most nights. I also know I hang onto him, at least by calling his answering machine almost every night once or twice because when I hear his voice mail greeting, I remember the good times between us, which were years ago and I dont have any replacements. Narcissists can only play the game they do if the people around them allow themselves to be deceived by their lies. Im doing it with my friend of five years. Refusing to challenge a narcissist's opinion helps you avoid the risk of being attacked. It was all my fault she says because I crossed the line but she didnt do anything wrong. This was accelerated when I started studying to be a teacher and earn a better wage (planning for when I could leave him). He took the message and never did that again. Hi Elaine and welcome (-: Stepping out of the way of the consequences you describe would mean having him charged and put in jail for his assaults on you. Its almost two years later, we are separate under the same roof until I can move out. Sometimes, the best way to hold a narcissist accountable is to take the proverbial bull by the horns and directly, and (unwaveringly) address their behavior. Now, with the knowledge of what shes doing, I will never try to make sense of her, just my reaction to her. Absolutely! If you dont have the skills nor are you willing to learn them, you cant do the job. That money was for her college fund. I like your advice about just ignoring the behavior. I have just left a 10yr relationship with a Narcissist and I feel physically and mentally exhausted. Till I got my papers he was supposed to pay spousal support, court ordered. Im not proud of it, but wanted to post in case this might resonate with others out there After truly saying goodbye the hero role, Narcissists dont hold the same interest anymore. They strike back hard to try to save their own self or credibility. But I cant call the police, or the doctor, or even the priest, and say my husband said hed call me but he didnt and he got mad at me when I expected him to be sorry about that or My husband laughed at my idea like it was ridiculous. Rejection. When you've finally had enough of their antics and hold a narcissist accountable for their actions, they will fly into a rage to make you back off and distract from your accusations. Finally understanding that my relationship with my mother was actually a relationship with a narcissist was the key to the rest of my life. Hi to everyone who has written in, this has to one of the very best blogs ever. I know that I need to be patient and quiet.. Thanks to all of you as well. Two weeks after the birth when we/I set up a date to meet, to top it all off, when I realised he hadnt told his Dad (who he was living with) about our son he proceded to tell me that he wanted to tell his Dad Id just surprised him with a baby.as it would make him look bad. I have been reading your information for over two years. I kept doing it over and over again until he finally realize, his yelling at me was over. My boyfriend takes no responsibility for anything that he goes. I have been married 36 years and most of my married life has been filled with sadness and anger. I had no life it was controlled and taken over by him. I was thinking and came up with. His sister is the same way and I feel for my brother in law. Narcissists may easily cross boundaries. I am 38 years old (never married, but have 1 child) and in love with a man for the past 4 years. Just a quick note to let you know that reading your material (every bit of it) and then putting it into practice has changed my marriage. Narcissists engage in hot-and-cold behavior and intermittent reinforcement to keep you hooked in the relationship. He was a master of so much and half the battle was one when I realized that he actually had people around him who let him do and say the mean things that made him go on being such a horrible person. His emotional and verbal abuse has only gotten worse since I was originally diagnosed. I know to use more than just a paper towel and water to clean this up so it doesnt smell and is disinfected, but he knows better. But really, I am just angry and hurt. Go figure) Well we have been arguing for months now about the fact that he wants to Do this together but he wont make any decisions as to the details of doing it together financially and we end up fighting every time we talk about it. Having spent New Year in a pub on my own I slowly discovered that I need to find out who the hell I am and not accept men to approve what I do I became very insecure with a lot of things that were to follow The silencing that he gave me was unbearable and I slowly realized that I am not to bear my feelings and accept being played to fit his fantasies Months went by and a year into our relationship I started to feel that I was feeling more depressed and felt very insecure about a lot of things that I started to think about suicide as an escape from my reality. This guy is gone, not one word said to me in 1 1/2 years after he ended it and told me he wanted to get rid of me for a long time., The things youre teaching I could apply if there was ever any other relationship, but, they seem extremely difficult since its such a strong tendency to want to point out their behavior and to explain mine. My husband and I have been married for quite some time now. If this is your first time seeing my face o. I finally questioned it. I DID however, make the mistake Kim mentioned. Hi John I really feel for what you are going through. These times are probably gone forever. He had to pay several fines and now faces jail. We have 2 children together and this time has been very difficult. I did not understand how I was allowing others to have such unhealthy control over me. (it had worked in the past and thought that as we were married, we would work through it). The link is as follows: http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=167. The more positive the connection between you = the more likely they will be to listen. Although it was his decision, not mine, he recently said that he felt abandoned by me before he abandoned me. Hide nothing and do the best with what you have, but never, NEVER, accept the responsibility for your Nar behaviors. I love him, I love my daughter and need to protect her, and I know there is a good man in therebut as long as he sits on both sides of the fence, we will continue to long for the real family that he is not sure he wants to be. Hi Ann, This is why it is so important to not leave yourself in the position of being the judge. The good thing I have taken care of many members but most of all this is how I have withstand being married to a man like this for this long. What (they) choose to believe is irrelevant. He is so fake but good at it with others. I am very sad at the moment because after reading these comments I now think there is no hope of happiness for my daughter who I love dearly! He puts on quite a show at times. I tried so hard and have read all your ebooks but nothing worked until i have just said enough is enough. Was left for me is to accept the real him and stop falling for the fantasy of who I would like him to be. My husband asked for a divorce November 2012 and we are in the process. Even to a point that it appears to be his decision letting you off the hook. Sorry I dont have much time tonight please visit the page here , http://www.narcissismcured.com/12_Steps_to_End_the_Fights.html. I think that is why i am attracted to these kind of people. I need to know how to respond or do I respond? Instead, refocus on yourself and on rebuilding a better life (not for the narcissist, but for you). and managed to touch the place that connected us, he could see his roll in our relationship, apologize for what happened and be accountable. I think the marriage is dead. I will pray for you! Working with a qualified mental health professional experienced in treating victims of abuse is important. I am confident, blonde and not a bad looker but boy can this man bring me to grey and confusion to any woman. They have to be sane! I kept leaving and going back to a spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically destructive marriage. I love him and I am concerned for him. Let him ignore you, set your boundry and just walk off. You shouldnt be angry or vindictive and instead say something like, I am sorry I didnt do this sooner because it is obvious that you need to learn that this is wrong. I do have two children from my previous marriage so I have to make sure our home is in order and there is food LOL, so to have him have natural consequences for example there not being food is not an option. You Hold Them Accountable. Some hopeful partially answered questions; yet, here we still are: trapped in our own cause of slavery. So I have learned that it is best to let true Narcissist alone, especially those that have untreated and unrecognized borderline along with the condition. The child is held accountable and encouraged to recognize and understand a feeling . It was my word against hers. He returned to the USA and after two years and 3 visits, I accepted his proposal. Yet he is exhausted because of them. I felt sorry for her. Thanks Kim. 10 Ways A Narcissist Reacts When You Try To Hold Them Accountable Being home is so draining. What there is is putdowns, anger, blaming, no empathy, selfishness, baiting me to get me drawn into arguments, and lack of accountability in the small things in life such as chores or simply doing what he has said he will do in a million small ways. Maybe growing would be a better way to describe it rather than changing but the truth is that a person cannot start growing again until their false pride comes down. I did however make the decision to stay firm and say no to him. I wonder if there are any young men out there who have made a relationship work with a NPD young lady I feel with love and support from friends and family there must be a chance, I would appreciate any advice like most people who deal with this personality type as a mother I have been to hell and back, as well as most advice saying basically its my fault shes like this.